"Fine, but we have to be back in an hour! Okay?" I reply.
"You are plainly no fun." Nessi grumps. I give her a look and she nods "okay."
. . .
"We only have thirty minutes left, are we almost there?" I complain.
"Yep!" Nessi grins as she pushes aside a branch, revealing a mystical beach with a giant, flower covered staircase.
I have never known to be adventurous, but at that moment I knew I would be more than an hour!
Nice story the Nessi grumps part is kind of unneeded but the rest of your story is great.
ReplyDeleteGreat story! I think you could add more descriptive language by putting what the stair case looked like at the begging. It might help make it more powerful.
ReplyDeleteGreat story! I love that you put, 'grumps' 'complain' etc. Instead of 'says' or 'said'.
ReplyDeleteI also love how you put all sorts of descriptive language.
I agree with Soccerlover maybe put some descriptive language into after you tell the reader about the staircase maybe add what it looked like, or what you were thinking.
Other than that GREAT STORY GIRL!
Quite a good story it's got that mystical feel to it just like in Harry Potter. It's a good story keep up the good work.
ReplyDeleteGreat story! I agree with Soccer Lover and Eden loves Grey's Anatomy you should add more descriptive language. In the last sentence you say "But at that moment I knew I would be more than just an hour!" That doesn't make sense, so you might want to clean that up!
ReplyDelete